Archive for March, 2010

Walk it out

Weight: 261.6

Grrrr…

I am dragging today.  On the plus side, I got in my first hour-long walk with Holly J yesterday.  But let me back up to lunch…

I had leftovers.

Just as yummy as Saturday, but not entirely satisfying.

I also had applesauce.

Very lunch-friendly.  But I was still hungry.  I ate some unpictured almonds and cheeze-its later in the day.  Then, I went home with purpose and vigor!

I set about making dinner.  I went for simple and easy since I would need to cook fast, change clothes and get out of the door for my walk as soon as possible. 

Just add hamburger, yo.

Darnell has made this a time or two and it’s always been good.  So, I thought I’d give it a hand.  I browned up some lean ground beef, drained it, followed the directions on the box and 25 minutes later dinner was ready.

But first.  I laced up my sneaks…

Cute vs. functional.  If this turns out to be more than a passing fancy, then I will go with functional and buy something more sturdy.  We walked for an hour in a beautiful park and I really should have brought my camera along.  Maybe another day.  We saw Canadian geese and a deer.  There was a beautiful golf course and plenty of paved trails.  I didn’t get bored at all.  Holly and I gabbed the whole time.  Walking with another person is so much more fun than walking alone.  And walking outdoors is much more fun than walking on a treadmill.  I don’t think I could have lasted an hour on any treadmill regardless of the pace.

I’m not a very athletic person by nature and the sheer boredom of walking in place for an extended period of time is like torture to me.  But this kind of walking is nice.  Right now, we’re shooting for going for this kind of walk every single day, which is ambitious, but doable with some persistence.  We shall see.

So, I made it back home feeling very accomplished, if a bit wrung out.  And dinner was already waiting.

It didn’t taste as good as it does when my hubby makes it. Why is it that other people’s food sometimes tastes so much better than my own?  Not that I’m a bad cook, I am actually pretty good.  But it just seems like when someone else has something, it is psychologically more appealing than what we have.  Anyway, I couldn’t finish it.  I settled on some Ritz cracker and a slice of cheese to round out the empties.  I watched a couple of episodes of the office, read like two pages of my book and then I crashed like a freight train by 9:30pm!

I got plenty of sleep. But my body is still dragging.

I am trying the elixir of millions.

It’s a panacea, yo.

I’ll be back.

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March 23, 2010 at 8:59 am Leave a comment

Happy Monday

Weight: 260.6

So tired!  I didn’t get a good night’s sleep on Friday night.  It’s supposed to be my perfect night of sleep because I can go to bed when I want and get up when I want.  My ideal sleeping time is probably 12:30 am to 9am.  So, I went to bed around 12:30ish and woke up at 7am.  Grrrr! 

I just got up and started reading.

This book is so good.  If you’ve kept up at all with the Laci Peterson murder, you have to read this book.  I am a true crime fan.  I love to watch shows like The First 48, Crime 360, The Shift, 48 Hours Mystery, etc.  I also like to read well-written true crime books.

Catherine Crier did an excellent job detailing every single aspect of the Laci Peterson murder and she did it in such a way that I was completely engrossed.  She came at it from all angles and showed a variety of perspectives all based on the documented evidence (photos, interviews, wiretaps, etc.).  I still have about 50 pages left of this to read, but this has been a great read this weekend.  Wanna borrow it when I’m done?

I had my niece this weekend and we didn’t do much.  I rented Twilight on Amazon Unbox for her, we went grocery shopping and made a Walgreens run.  We did church on Sunday with Darnell and then I dropped her off for AAU basketball tryouts.

I also fixed her favorite meal.

Collard greens steaming away in the pot.

Grandma Gannettie’s chicken frying away.

And, of course, Jiffy cornbread.

And served…

All mixed up…yummo

I grew up on this chicken. Can’t forget the Frank’s Red Hot Sauce!

Time to buy more!

So satisfying!  I also had an impromptu dinner on Friday night with my bff, her husband, my niece and Darnell.

Nay-Nay took the photo.

We went to Arnie’s and the food was great!  I didn’t get a picture of the bourbon salmon that I ordered, but…mmm.  I have to go back and get it again.  Also, there may have been a lemon cupcake in there somewhere…and a chocolate one!  Don’t judge me.

My Sunday was lovely.

Arbor Mist, yo.

I am having tea this morning, planning on leftovers at lunch and looking forward to an hour-long walk with Holly J this evening and, possibly some dirty rice for dinner.  I’ll keep you posted!

Hasta mañana.

March 22, 2010 at 8:58 am Leave a comment

Gloomy Friday

Weight: 262

I think I am suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I’m in one of those moods that’s defined by the way it looks outside and it is completely drab and gray.

We need some blue skies, some yellow sunlight and some leaves on those trees.  It’s time!

I am also missing my husband.  He’s in training for his next powerlifting competition on April 18th and I barely get to hang out with him for more than an hour at a time.  We’ll get some quality time in this weekend, but my 15-year-old niece Nay-Nay will be spending the weekend with us (she comes every other weekend) and that means we’ll probably hit the grocery store, the bookstore and the movies.

I am going to talk her into watching Real Women Have Curves (I love America Ferrera!) tonight.  My niece is a bean pole by nature, very sporty, although she loves to eat.  I just want to encourage her to have a positive view of people of all sizes.

Also, Danny did a photo shoot to show off his new jeans.

Fierce!

And I am in a very definite coffee mood.

The snowman cup is in honor of this weekend’s predicted snowfall 😦  I’m officially over winter, by the way.

I don’t have any planned eats today.  Danny and I are heading to lunch around noon and I’ll be sure to get some photos to share.

Mwah!

March 19, 2010 at 8:54 am Leave a comment

She Ain’t Gon Tie Me Down

Weight: 263

It’s Thursday…one day closer to Friday!

I have to say, St. Patrick’s Day was an interesting venture.  I got to see sights likes this:

Yes.  Only in the USA.

Also, that luncheon I attended sucked rocks.  At least, the food did.  The best parts…

The parmesan and dressing on this made the salad, really.  I loved every bite. 

In the middle there was a chicken, creamed spinach and carrot fiasco that looked so entirely dismal that I didn’t even make the effort to take a photo. 

I thought dessert would fare better…

But looks can be deceiving.  This was a Guiness chocolate cake and it tasted like stale gingerbread.  I took one bite and then abandoned ship.  Whatevs.

Then, on the drive back to work, we got to ride through downtown GR on St. Patrick’s Day, which is an experience all by itself.  I shot video of one of the finer points.

All around, interesting.

And the sun was shining on my drive home, which after the winter grays of Michigan, seemed miraculous.

I put on my sunglasses, took off my jacket and pretended that it is, in fact, not going to snow this weekend.

On the way into work today, I was forced to listen to Ray J’s latest song: She Ain’t Gon Tie Me Down.  Eck….

Just no.  On so many levels.  This immediately makes me think of Proverbs 18:22 (He that finds a wife, finds a good thing)…and the whole biblical topic of wifehood.  Men are such difficult creatures to understand.  The lack of true appreciation for what a woman can bring to a man’s life (outside of opening her legs) in popular culture astonishes me.  But this is the nature of life here on Earth in the year 2010. 

See you later, alligator!

March 18, 2010 at 1:02 pm Leave a comment

Are men attracted to fat women?

Weight: 262.8 

Good morning.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

This is how a 262.8 pound woman looks like on a Wednesday morning 🙂

I wore green for the holiday.

Last night I was surfing to the ends of the Internet and I found this thread on Peer Trainer.  It was the first hit on Google and had over 100+ posts in the thread, so I thought it would be an interesting read.  It was.

I find the initial question that has been asked so many times over the Internet highly amusing.  It’s obvious that there are plenty of men who find fat women attractive.  Fat women fall in love, date, get married and have babies every single day.

I guess the question is a way of seeking validation amid a sea of insecurity.  The bottom line is that thinner women are revered as the standard of beauty in our country and it is acceptable to malign, make fun of, joke about and tease larger women.  This is done to larger men as well, but on a much smaller scale.

It amazes me to see the digust and disdain for large women that is displayed by men.  I wonder why it can be deemed such an offense to them.  But like any other form of hatred, it’s nearly impossible to pin down the whys behind it.  Whenever I find myself reflecting on it too much, I remember the lessons that I’ve learned as a black woman. 

In the last decade or so, the perception of black women as beautiful has evolved greatly, but not so much.  I still remember two white male classmates having a discussion about me within earshot.  One asked the other, “What do you think of her?”  and the other responded, “She’s okay, but I don’t have jungle fever.”  Growing up in this environment taught me that the opinions of others are sometimes not worth much.

So, in that regard, when I hear men maligning large women, I really consider the source.  Men who show disdain for fat women are not attractive to me for several reasons.

  1. It occurs to me that their disdain is rooted in their own insecurity.  Men who are not confident in themselves choose women not soley based on feelings of love, but also in terms of perceived status among their peers – and this type of shallow, narcisstic man does not appeal to me.
  2. Some men who put on a show for other men are ashamed of their own desires and are seeking validation from others by denying the very thing that they desire most.
  3. Other men are subconsciously afraid of powerful women.  A nifty way to control women is to force them to focus on controlling their size.

Women as status symbols is not my cup of tea and neither is living in denial of what you want.  I think that a life based primarily on status is not worth living.  I also think that when you deny what you want, it only creates further problems, evidenced here and here and here.  I’m not saying that you’ll get what you want, but it’s a lot easier to be honest with yourself and others about your desires.  For instance, I want to be a NYT’s bestselling author.  It might not happen, but it’s what I want. 

All that being said, I have been a fat woman for the last 13 years.  I get hit on no more or less than I did when I was thin.  Mind you, I’ve been married for just about 12 years.  But I’ll share with you the more memorable of my own personal truths.

I am no prettier than the next girl.

I have been hit on by white men, black men, African men, Hispanic men and Middle Eastern men.  I have been hit on by blue collar workers and professional men.  I have been hit on by teenagers, men in their fifties and in between.  I have been hit on by large men, skinny men and average men.  I’ve been hit on by short men and tall men.  I’ve been hit on by men who I consider very attractive and men I don’t.

There have been pizza boys, produce shoppers, library patrons, nurses, dope boys, cashiers, factory workers, and professionals who have asked me for my number, out for dinner or coffee, or just for a roll in the hay.

The single, connecting event in all but a handful of these experiences was the fact that I was confident in my self-worth and attractiveness when these men approached me.  Considering the vast amount of time I’ve spent being insecure in my self-worth and attractiveness, this should make a bold statement.

I think one central truth that we, as women, need to grasp is that there is no Prince Charming.  A love relationship is a very satisfying and beautiful experience but it will not make your life worth living.  You have to make your life worth living regardless of whether or not you’re coupled up, making a ton of money or living out any of your dreams.

The dream isn’t the boyfriend or the marriage or the NYT Bestseller.  The dream is being alive and living.

Off of my soapbox….

Some planned eats today:

Banana para la Banana 🙂

And have you ever seen Peach Fanta?

I’ve cut way down on my pop consumption, but this is a gift from my co-worker Charlette, who got it from Mississippi.  I’ll report back on flavor later.

I also had tea this morning.

I have to attend a luncheon today.  I have my camera on hand, so I might get some good photos, depending on the environment when I get there.  I’m still a tad camera shy around strangers.

Catch y’all laterz, yo.

March 17, 2010 at 1:28 pm Leave a comment

Diary of a Happy, Fat Woman…

Weight: 261.2

I have decided to weigh in every single day.  I got the idea from Molly over at I Will Not Diet.  Not to beat myself up about my weight, but for a variety of different reasons.  Some of them include:

  1. Getting honest about what we weigh and taking away the power of thinking that everyone must weigh less than I/you do.
  2. Taking away the power the scale has over me – in shaping my thoughts about who I am, what I am worth and how I should feel.
  3. Documenting my weight loss progress and keeping me honest.

And this is how I look today:

This is how a woman who weighs 261.2 looks on a Tuesday morning. (I apologize for the grainy photo, I am still figuring out my camera settings!)

I will be taking pictures of myself, too.  Because I like fashion and I am learning to like the way I look.  It’s slow progress, but this is my journey – and maybe, it’s yours, too.

The drive in to work this morning was nothing short of awesome.  I blasted neosoul music, particularly Jill Scott and Maxwell.  Jill Scott is a  big inspiration to me.  She not only sings beautiful, positive, life-affirming songs, but she’s becoming a great actress and she represents women of size well.  And Maxwell‘s music (especially, circa mid-1990’s), is just lovely. 

I like to take the words to love songs and apply them to myself.  So, instead of thinking or singing to someone else, I sing love songs to myself.  It can be hokey, but it feels good, particularly when you’re alone in your car.  Have you ever been just brimming to overflow with love for yourself?  Not the arrogance of conceit, but love for who you are what you’ve been through and where you’re going?

That’s where I am right now.  I’ve spent many, many moons putting myself down and now I am taking conscious efforts to build myself up.  I’ve heard the theory that if you want love, you have to love yourself and I think it’s both true and false.  I love plenty of people whose actions don’t show that they love themselves, but I know if they could just shake off their negative feelings about themselves, they could feel my love and the love that others have for them a lot more clearly.  And the same can be said for you and me.

Loving yourself is a unique, individual thing.  There are some things that are clearly signs of a lack of love and respect for yourself, but I’m not talking about those things.  For me, personally, loving myself means not letting negative thoughts about myself and my efforts take root.  It means not overeating.  It means taking the time out to dress in clothes that I like, to do my hair and makeup.  It means minimizing my tendency to procrastinate, which helps minimize stress in my life. It means moving my body in playful ways.  It means not dieting anymore.

Loving myself means living a positive life regardless of what I weigh.  And that’s my major life’s work at the moment.

Enough philosophy for the morning!

Some planned eats today:

A ham + cheese lunchable, plums, and biscoff.

Mmm…biscoff!

Also, tea…

I am a major tea lover!

So, I am planning to walk a half-hour at lunch with Holly J.  That’s progress, yo.  Plus we get to gossip, which is one of my greatest hobbies 😉

Peace out (said Kip from Napolean Dynamite style).

March 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm Leave a comment

Eats and stuff

Besides an unpictured cup of joe, here are my eats thus far today:

Banana para la Banana 🙂

Your standard and painfully typical American frozen meal.  The cheap, soldium-filled unhealthy kind, too.  Banquet.  $1.59, yo.  I was being frugal.

And my lunchmates:

This guy.  He’s Danny.  We eat together a lot.  He makes me laugh, sing spontaneously and give freakishly long lectures on philosophical truths.  You ever think you were destined to work somewhere in order to meet a person?  Over the course of my working life, I’ve gathered a collection of interesting friends and I truly believe that I was intended to meet these people.  Predestination, yo.

And Holly J:

She’s managed to shed somewhere in the vicinity of 60+ pounds in the last year or so.  I watch her in awe.

Laterz.

March 15, 2010 at 7:25 pm Leave a comment

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