Weight

Today, I weigh 262 pounds.  In the last eight months, I’ve lost over 30 pounds.  I did it because I was desperate.  In 2009, I found out that my husband wanted me to lose weight as a condition of remaining married. When I got married at 20 in 1998, I was 193 pounds, so I have never been particularly thin. Still, I had gotten up to 303.4 pounds after my mother’s bout with lung cancer and eventual death in 2008 and found little comfort in anything besides eating.

I routinely use food as a source of comfort.  I think addictive behavior is a family trait.  My parents were both alcoholics (my dad is 65 and has stopped drinking heavily).  My sister is a drug addict.  One of my brother’s is an alocholic and the other one is addicted to video games.  Is everyone addicted to something?  My vice has always been food.

I weigh 260+ pounds because I overeat and move around very little.  I go to work in an office.  I come home and read or write.  I eat things like fried (chicken, pork chops, or fish) food or fast food all the time.  It’s not rocket science.  Some people may genetically pre-disposed to be overweight, but I am relatively sure that I am supposed to be somewhere between 160-180 pounds naturally.

I feel bad about where my eating and life habits have landed me weight wise, but I am learning that dwelling on the bad feelings is counter-productive to change.  So, I’m trying a new approach to life. 

While dieting, though I’ve lost over 40 pounds (regained 10), I haven’t done it in a mentally healthy way.  Knowing that I could lose my marriage made me just stop eating very much.  If I am stressed or heavily distraught, I lose my appetite.  I had never been either of those things until 2009.  So, I lost about 20 pounds within eight weeks of finding out about my husband wanting to leave me. 

After that, I counted like 1400 calories and generally obsessed and stressed myself into an unenviable state.  So, I decided to quit dieting.  It’s been a monumental decision.  Making it has felt at times like I have given up on my marriage.  But that’s not the case.  I still love my husband and want to and am anticipating losing weight. I have just decided to give up on some other things.

I have decided to give up on obsession, on stressing out over my weight and on counting anything I put into my mouth because it drives me crazy.  I have not given up on eating differently (in a more caring, conscious way) and moving my body again. 

I’ve decided to live my life in the best way that I know how to for me and that means changing some things and fighting against changing others.  And I’ve decided to let my weight, my marriage and everything else fall where they may.

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